


Elaborate Drawings For A Better Education

by AnnieVH



Series: Rumple and the Spinsters [10]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Awkwardness, F/F, F/M, Family, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Romance, Sex, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 08:12:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2302697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieVH/pseuds/AnnieVH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some day, he's going to thank them for it. Not today, though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Elaborate Drawings For A Better Education

**Author's Note:**

> kceniya (http://archiveofourown.org/users/kceniya/pseuds/kceniya) was kind enough to translate it to russian, so if you'd like, the translated version is right here: http://ficbook.net/readfic/2377521

When he came back from running his errands, Aunt Flora and Aunt Fauna received him back with broad smiles, despite of what had happened earlier.

“Well, look at that!” said Aunt Flora, very pleased.

“You sure took your time!” said Aunt Fauna, mirroring the other woman's gleeful tone.

“The market was busy,” he mumbled, putting the basket down and walking straight to his spinning wheel. He didn't look them in the eye. He would never look them in the eye again. Fifteen years! He has lived with two women for _fifteen years_ , and he had always been _so careful_. Even during those years when controlling his urges had almost been impossible.

“Did you get the bread?” Aunt Flora asked.

Rumpel mumbled “hm-hm” and started working.

“And how about the carrots?”

He replied much in the same way. He couldn't concentrate and find words, his mind was stuck repeating those horrible five seconds over and over. Why had them been up so early anyway? And why didn't they ever _knock_? Yes, he slept in the living room, but a little heads-up would still be nice before they came out of the bedroom.

“What are you doing?” they asked, at the same time. It made them sound like a single person and he hated when they did that. Specially when they were chastising him, which was about to happen at any moment.

“Working,” he mumbled back, hunched over his wheel. He wouldn't be looking up any time soon.

And yet, they were behaving like it was just another day.

_Please pretend it never happened_ , he prayed in his head.  _Please, pretend it never happened and lets never mention this again..._

“Well, why don't we all stop for a moment?” Aunt Fauna asked, dropping from a cheerful tone to a mildly pleasant one.

“We need to talk with you,” Aunt Flora explained, also following her companion's change of mood. The tone they usually used for “serious conversations”.

_Why can't they just start screaming like normal people?_ , he thought, getting up.  _Why do they_ always _have to start with “we're very disappointed”?_

But when he got up and glanced at their faces, he realized they looked anything but disappointed. It gave an even worst feeling.

He lowered his eyes and saw some curious drawing on top of the table. “What are these?”

“Diagrams,” they said together.

Rumpel looked at them not quite understanding. He decided to risk peeking at the drawings.

Body parts.

_Private_ body parts.

“Oh, goodness,” he murmured.

It was worst than he had thought. They didn't want to scorn him. They wanted to _talk about it_.

“You should sit down,” Aunt Fauna said, kindly.

“This is going to take a while,” Aunt Flora said, sensibly.

“I think I forgot,” Rumpel searched his mind for anything. “I think I forgot to do something far away from here.”

He tried to leave but they blocked his way.

“What is wrong?” Aunt Flora asked, frowning with genuine curiosity.

“Are you embarrassed?” Aunt Fauna guessed.

“You did nothing wrong.”

“You _should_ get familiar with your own body.”

“After all, you are a young man.”

“Ready for marriage.”

“And everybody thinks about this kind of thing.”

“She means sex.”

“I know she means s-” the word got stuck in his throat. It seemed so much easier to think of it than to say it out loud. He didn't really have friends to share those kinds of things with. The thought of talking about _that_ for the first time with his aunties was... horrifying.

He tried a more sensible approach to the subject. “Auntie Fauna. Auntie Flora.” They smiled at the same time. “Thank you for being very loving and understanding. Really. I couldn't ask for a better family.”

“Aww,” they said, cocking their heads to the side and looking at him with loving eyes.

“Yes. However,” Rumpel continued, “I do believe that is not a proper conversation for a young man to have with two elderl-” They frowned. Rumpel cleared his throat. “Two _lovely_ ladies. I've been to the pub, I've heard the sailors talking and...” he searched his mind for any other kind of experience. “And we breed sheep, for goodness sake. I'm pretty sure I got the, uhn, the _mechanics_ covered.”

“You really don't,” Aunt Flora said, shaking her head in pity.

“Not if you think the mechanics look like farm animals,” Aunt Fauna said.

“Is worst than we thought,” Aunt Flora said to her companion.

“Here,” Aunt Fauna reached for a diagram. “Sheep doesn't look like this.”

Rumpel gasped and stared at the wall.

“They really don't,” Aunt Flora said, not paying attention to his reaction.

“And don't listen to sailors.”

“They don't know what they're talking about.” Aunt Flora turned to Aunt Fauna. “We should have taught him earlier.”

“I wanted to! You thought he'd be uncomfortable.”

“The point is!” Rumpel said, trying to get back on track and making a point at staring anywhere but at the drawing Aunt Flora was still holding up – that one that was most definitely _not_ about the male anatomy. “Thank you very much. You have done a wonderful job raising a boy without a male figure in the household. But I believe that, maybe, you know... there are some things a young man should only learn from his father.”

“Oh, _my ass_!” scoffed Aunt Fauna, making Rumpel startle, crying, “ _Auntie_!”

“What Aunt Fauna is trying to say,” Aunt Flora cut in, her tone much sweeter than Aunt Fauna's indignant scorn, though she threw her companion a side glare, “is that fathers don't always know everything.”

“What do men know about a woman's body?” Aunt Fauna said, in a disdainful voice.

“They don't know much, Rumpel dear.”

“They'll claim they do!”

“They will, but they don't.” Aunt Flora shrugged. “Maybe they know more about penises-”

“ _Ohgodauntie_!” Rumpel sought refuge behind a hand. Perhaps if he stayed there quietly for a while, they'd forget him and go back to work.

“ _Maybe_!” Aunt Fauna said, her tone leaving no doubt that she didn't believed that to be true for one second. “But women know about women.”

“Someday you are going to have a wife.”

“And you'll need to know these things, so sit down.”

He stood there for a moment, hiding his very red face behind his hands.

Then his shoulders slumped. “There is no way out of this conversation, is there?”

“No,” Aunt Fauna said.

“But you can hide behind your hands the whole time, if it makes you more comfortable,” said Aunt Flora.

“Just make sure to at least peek at the diagrams.”

“They were so hard to draw.”

And each placing a hand on his shoulders, they pushed him down to a chair.

 

 

“Oh, my!” Belle said quietly, as she unfolded the old parchment she had found at the bottom of the chest. Her eyes grew the size of saucers and a little smirk played at the corners of her mouth. But her voice was absolutely even when she asked, “Rumpel darling, what is this for?”

Her husband looked up from his accounting with vague interest. “What is what for?”

She turned the side that had the drawing for him to see.

Immediately, he jumped off his chair and reached for it. “ _Give me that_!”

Belle rushed to get away from his grasp. “Oh, no, they're mine.”

“Come back here!”

If there was a more unfortunate time to find out your wife can outrun you in stilettos, he couldn't think of one.

“Such interesting drawings,” she teased, not even getting breathless. “Did you do it yourself?”

“ _No_!”

“Who did them?”

“Nobody!”

“I'm not giving them back until you tell me.”

“ _Nobody_! _Got you_!”

He wrapped an arm around her waist, but she still twisted and turned and _laughed_ (for goodness sake!) like the whole thing was nothing but a game, the parchment being kept as far from his hands as it was possible.

“Give it here!”

She roared with laughter. “Never!”

“Give it back!”

“ _Never_! The unexpected pornography is mine now!”

“ _Oh my god, Belle_!” he said, horrified. “That is not _pornography_!”

Suddenly, she turned to face him. “Oh? And what are they?”

Rumpel blinked and stared into her eyes.

She raised her eyebrows, pressing silently.

He said. “Educational.”

“ _Nooo_!” It was better than she ever imagined.

“ _It's not what you're thinking_!”

“The Spinsters who raised you draw a vagina to better give you a sexual education?”

He blinked. “That is a gigantic leap-”

“But I'm right.”

“ _That is not the point_!”

“Aww!” she mused, turning around and unfolding the parchment again to look at it. “Such nice ladies.”

“Yes, lovely, lets put it away-” He reached, but she slapped his hand away. He put them back on her hips and waited for her to be merciful.

“So,” she asked, conversationally, “What are all these numbers?”

He sighed, defeated. Clearly he wasn't getting that back to burn into a pile of ashes any time soon. “A sequence,” he mumbled.

She giggled and he was so glad she couldn't see his face from where she was standing. He hadn't been this red since, well, since the first time he had saw that same drawing, over two centuries ago.

Belle asked, “A sequence for the little dots?”

“Hm-hm.”

“And what are the little dots?”

She could barely hear him when he answered, “Fingertips.”

She cleared her throat to keep her voice deceivingly neutral. “They are-” She stopped and bit her tongue until she was sure she could go through with her next question without giggling. “They are color coordinated.”

If that was possible, his blush intensified. “For pressure and speed.”

“And the long dashes are for-”

“Tongue.”

“Yes, I recognize the pattern.”

Rumpelstiltskin moaned painfully and hid his face against her neck. “Ooh, god.”

Belle cracked into laughter once more. “Your aunts were very-”

“Good at making people uncomfortable?”

“I was going to say thorough.”

“That is one way of putting it.”

“Are they still around?” she asked, looking back, but his face was still buried on her shoulder when he replied, “Why?”

Belle smirked, “I feel like I should send them a gift basket.”

Rumpelstiltskin didn't say a word. But wrapped his arms around her waist and squeezed lightly, feeling that tight grip of embarrassment in his heart relax and turn into a dull ache of nostalgia.

What had they said two centuries ago?

“You should really come out from behind those hands, you know?”

“You're being silly. Someday, you'll thank us for it.”

_Why?_ , he thought to himself.  _Why must the two of you be always right?_

 

 


End file.
